Hey guys, thanks to all of you who have followed along so far. This post is different than a rant on a certain topic, I have a few more brewing but I wanted to give you and myself a honest evaluation of where I am in the healing process post surgery. I think I will post one of these every four weeks so that we can all look back to see a progression of where I am both mentally and physically which I think will give context to the blog posts you are accustomed to.
I will break this down into two sections, mental and physical and give an overview of events and thoughts about each.
After having 3 surgeries this past year I knew what to expect. For those of you are unaware, I injured my lower back while bodybuilding and have had to have 3 surgeries ending in a spinal fusion to help fix the problem. I’m young, so for me it’s not something the doctors nor I entended to face at this stage in my life.
I live now with constant questioning. Will I be able to do this again? Will I be able to start my nursing program on time to progress my career? Will I be able to work in photography again? Will sex be enjoyable haha? Seriously though, knowing where I was a year ago and living where I am now these questions go through my mind a lot.
I am happy to report that at 4 weeks out, a third of the way through my healing process my head is on straight for the most part and I haven’t felt the bone crushing depression I had in the past. I’m looking toward the future and weighing my option. With that said the past week came with some set backs.
I was offered the photography job that would have pushed my business to the next level and paid for my medical bills in one shot, no pun intended. Unfortunately however I had to turn it down. I had to put my health first. It feels like things are just outside of my grasp lately but I have to try to keep my head up high.
In addition, the girl I recently split with is now with the guy she was supposedly talking to while we were still together. It’s taken me a long time to be able to sleep at night thinking about why it ended and what I could have done better. Some of these posts are a product of that. After seeing and hearing about her new relationship I felt my stomach drop, but I didn’t react the way I thought I would. Instead of being upset or mad it didn’t phase me. I was surprised at how quick someone can move on, but if you’re in love with someone else and the passion had been blooming behind the scenes anyway it’s not a shocker. I’ve listened to La Disputes Somewhere between the river vega album enough to know when love fades for one it’s gone. (If you are unframiliar with the reference, do yourself a favor and listen to that album. You’re welcome)
I feel lonely, not because of the relationship aspect but because I sit by myself isolated from the world day after day and those “closest” to me go about their lives. It’s amazing how quickly we leave our friends behind. I am not bitter or upset, but when someone is not there, we forget. We may send a quick text once every blue moon, but it’s not our focus. I do this myself. Now that I’ve gone through it, I’ll be more conscious of such things. A companion would be a wonderful thing to have.
This section will be a lot shorter, but all in all I feel “better. ” I am healing at a slow rate but I am walking and sitting and back to editing when I feel up to it. Unfortunately I am still numb on my left side from the knee down, but I am told feeling should come back in time. Nerves, like turtles, take their time and are aren’t in any rush to heal.
I want to get off of my meds, but I still need them. I skipped my pain killers for the day, and good lord I thought my leg and hips were going to explode. I’m cutting back, but I don’t like taking pills or anything that makes me feel drows; I want to be able to think.
For now, I’ll take it easy and work when I can. It won’t be long until I’m back to school , back to the gym, and back to life.