I am the End of the World

Last time I talked about the Greenville years and my time spent learning about biblical interpretation. This time, I’m going to be discussing the past few years, and where I stand today.

Since GC, I’ve changed my world view a bit. I believe in a God that could have created everything, though it is just as likely we were nothing more than a culture in a test tube. When I say I believe in God, I don’t think he looks anything like us, nor do I think it’s a life force flowing through all of us or any of that hippie crap. If you believe in science, you believe in the possibility of life outside of us in any capacity, then you like myself are agnostic. I think it is far less likely there is nothing.

Jesus, now I flip flop. Do I believe he existed ? Yes. Do I believe in all the miracle stuff? I have no idea. I think it’s possible, but again I have no tangible evidence and with all the other religions, how do I know this is right? ┬áIf this is correct why a book? Why not angel so and so come down and tell me? Even with that I’m sure people wouldn’t believe, but I sure as hell would.

To tell you the truth, I feel bad praying at times. I have no idea if it does a single thing or even works, but with my injury I hate praying. I see how terrible some have it and then I feel like a dick praying for myself.

I know a lot of people don’t believe because of a moral delima. Why believe in God when bad stuff happens and jimmy is drooling all over himself in a wheelchair? Well, if god knows all and we are all predestined for heaven or hell, what a dick? If not and it’s all random then cool. Then again, with all the terrible, he made us, so he owes us nothing. He doesn’t have to justify anything. In my mind that doesn’t make him perfect, but it does rule out why so and so dies while bad guy prospers.

Now on to morals. Drinking and drugs, don’t drink really cause I don’t like the taste and it’s expensive. I don’t do drugs cause screw that. I don’t think it is because of my faith anymore I think it’s because I’ve come to that on my own, but I don’t damn those who do. I damn those who do that stuff and give nothing back to the world, but that is a different post entirely.

Sex, I like sex a lot. I wanted to wait till marriage when I was younger, but that didn’t pan out and in the society we are apart of I don’t think it is practicle. In the Bible those marriages were arranged and if you had sex before it, you were worth nothing to your family in the deal. It was a warning clause not a don’t have fun clause. NOW I am not the type to sleep around and I want my number to remain low. It’s only for committed relationships and cheating is out of the question.

Heaven and hell, who knows? If you read through the Bible, it didn’t come into existence till later. Our understanding is exaggerated. I think we hope for an afterlife but the odds are there isn’t one. If there is, I hope it’s great I believe in evil and the unexplained but not a horned and tailed guy. The same can be said for angels.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me lost and broken honestly. Religion is sometimes described as a crutch. I wouldn’t say it was that to me, but I will say it is a reference point. It helps things make sense. Without it, there isn’t rhyme, reason, or purpose. Yea I can be all I want to be, but can I really? With the world constantly kicking you in the balls, you work a meaningless job, get married, reproduce to extend the species, and die. Cool, for what? That sounds miserable and I’m not, but if you’re not advancing in something what are you doing.I have my art, the way I give back or make my mark.

I want a God. I want something bigger to believe in and I think all humans do. When we look into the cosmos and we see how worthless we really are we want our buddy in the sky to think we are important or to give us purpose. For me, I just want the ability to believe. I don’t care if it’s real or not, just the ability to cut through the logic.

Like I said, I believe there is something I just don’t know what that something is. For all I know the Bible is real, and I just can’t grab hold.

If you feel similar or can help me out some of my questions please comment below. BE RESPECTFUL religion is a fragile and sacred thing YOU MAY NOT BE RIGHT so listen to others and respect differing points of view.


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