I’d Rather be Let Down…

I fear two things in life, abandonment, and turning out like my father. You can count spiders as a third but I won’t be discussing that here.

My father left at an early age. I see him maybe once a month, so I don’t have it as bad as others, at least I got to know the man. I’m thankful for that in a lot of ways, but I think that split has led me to become the man I am today.

I remember my parents arguing so I would put on headphones to block it out. I’m very fortunate to grow up in a home in a comfortable neighborhood in a comfortable life and never have the fear of my parents directing their anger toward me. When they parted ways, I lived with my mom.

She has always been there for me and I love her to death. My father on the other hand doesn’t know how to be there for me but he has always shown me love.

It’s weird, now that I’m older I find myself gravitating toward my father. I have the humor of my father, the drive of my father, and some of his faults.

Why do I seek acceptance from the man who has never been there for me? I’ve always expected a change but it has yet to come.

It took me a long time to realize that the acceptance I long for in my father carries over to my friendships and relationships. I put in double the effort and try to “fix” any problems to avoid the parting of ways. However, I’m not this way with every relationship. Because so many have parted ways, been fake, or some other third reason I don’t let people in.

I want to change. I want to be more open with people, take down the hard exterior, and socialize. I don’t want to end up like my father.

As I stated earlier I’m like him in a lot of great ways, but there are similarities I want to tone down or leave behind. I’m striving to be nicer. I’m a nice person, and helpful as hell if you need me, but I speak using dense sarcasm and absolutes. To some, it is funny, to others, it’s abrasive.

Speaking in a more pleasant tone and cutting back on the sarcasm would save me a lot of headaches. I’m not saying I will change who I am, but taking others feelings into account is a goal I’m working toward.

I hate breakups, probably because of my attachment issues and the fear of letting go. I can’t wait to find a woman who I can marry and count on for the rest of my life. I plan to get married once, and the vow I take will not be taken lightly. I won’t be him.

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